Twenty (20) Things Guaranteed to Happen at the 50th Reunion*
by Fred Rosen
July 31, 2011
1--In an almost Pavlovian response, Alan Finkelstein will go to the
trunk of his car, reflexively take out a bucket of balls, a 5 iron and
head for the practice tees.
2--Ronnie and Lesley decide to reaffirm their marriage vows. Mickey
Gerber conducts the ceremony and hands out yalmulkes with the stenciled
inscription, "I had a blast at my 50th high school reunion."
3--Mary Lee will find the parking lot so crowded, she'll return home and
park in her own driveway as the walk to the clubhouse is shorter than
the spaces still available.
4--Due to concerns of terrorist attacks, especially where there is a
gathering of Jews, Seawane has installed an electronic metal detector
system, similar to those found at airports. Richard Osofsky will be sent
home for packing heat.
5--Lee will bring so much video and audio equipment that Seawane will be
assessed $625 by LILCO for overusage.
6--Robbi Potters Condominium will suggest a multiplication dance for
those who do not feel physically up to it. Her musical selections are
deemed unworthy as she's selected songs by the Walker Brothers as well
as Jerry and The Pacemakers.
7--Jim Kole asks for 15 minutes of uninterrupted mic time so he can
finish his monologue from the 45th reunion.
8--By 9:30 P.M. Paul Gressin will be in total panic mode wondering why
no one has yet shown up at the firehouse for the reunion.
9--Steve Ozdoba will say something serious...seriously.
10--The metal detector breaks down, but Harry Immerman comes up big and
volunteers to pat down any female classmate who, in his opinion,
requires it.
11--From force of habit and unable to control himself, Howie will tell
us how important it is to attend the 50th reunion even if we have to
change travel plans already paid for, or cancelling family
responsibilities.
12--Beth conducts a quick meeting with the waitstaff telling them that
not only does neatness count, it can add, subtract and multiply too.
13-- The bartender at Seawane will only be 5' 2" tall and out of
necessity, be forced to serve only bottom and middle shelf liquor.
14--Jim Jordan will set up a small booth for the book signing of his
bestseller"Savahnnah Grey" an antebellum novel that takes place in Georgia. Every
30 seconds or so he'll holler "Next", even though there is no one in
line.
15--Dick De Vuono's wife Maria will win the "Youngest Spouse" contest
while also resolving the quizzical looks on some faces as to why Dick
brought his granddaughter to the party.
16--Jerry Mukamal will come by for a moment to tell us he is far too
busy travelling to attend.
17--Larry Cole (no relation to Jim) will dress in his postman's garb as
Seawane happens to be part of his regular route.
18--The Nassau County police will be called by neighbors of Seawane,
complaining that there seems to be no commotion going on there, and the
peace and quiet is disturbing their evenings.
19--The party winds down shortly after 11 P.M. Many tears are shed as we
depart and Joe Rizzo plays "Taps" on his clarinet.
20--At 11:20 P.M. Dick Rosen arrives and asks, "Where is everyone
going?"
Webmaster note: With publication of this list Fred becomes the third most widely read published author from the Class of '61 trailing only Louise Gluck and James Jordan.
Hewlett '61 Alumni Facts
By Fred Rosen
August 8, 2011
While Howie Kozinn is working 24/7 trying to reach as many classmates as
possible, he's taken the time to also let us know the real time updates
on their situations.
Other facts about the class of "61 have gone unreported and this list
will attempt to put things in perspective.
I think Howie knows all of what you are about to read, but has spared us
the gory details.
1--8% can not remember what year they graduated.
2--94% forgot if Mr. Grey spelled his name G-R-E-Y, or G-R-A-Y.
3--100% of females never wore their one piece blue gym uniforms after
graduation.
4--19% of male classmates are confused. They take both Viagra and Ex-Lax
so aren't certain if they are coming or going.
5--22% think Alan Smiley invented the :-) icon.
6--11% thought our boy's athletic teams were nicknamed the Blue jock
itch.
7--29% think Kathy Weiner is Anthony Weiner's mother.
8--14% believe the Little Theater was misnamed, since there was no Big
Theater.
9--34% just learned that the movie "Rocky" was not the biography of
Rosiland Lager.
10--78% will email me privately and ask that their names be taken off
this email list.
Twenty Marriages that Coulda Been?
By Fred Rosen
September 17, 2011
1-If Sonia Axel married former Miami Dolphin quarterback Bob Griese,
she'd be Sonia Axel Griese.
2-Sandee Kahn and Art Carney? Sandee Kahn Carney.
3-Classmates... Ellen Kahr and Bob Hopp? Ellen Kahr Hopp.
4-Classmates and equal time to Bob's brother...If Janet Bell wed Dick
Hopp she'd be Janet Bell Hopp.
5-If Dick Rosen married Howie's sister, she'd be Gail Kozinn Rosen.
6-If Paris Hilton married Kenny Harris, you'd get Paris Harris.
7-Liv Ullman to Jeff Tullman? Liv Ullman Tullman.
8-Classmates...Peggy Levy to Frank Levy = Peggy Levy Levy.
9-If Judy Schlein married our favorite childhood marionette she'd
unfortunately be named Judy Doody.
10-Beth Holland and former New York Giant defensive back Emlen Tunnell?
Beth Holland Tunnell, but that marriage would carry a heavy toll .
11-Apologies in advance if she somehow reads this, but if Marcia Sacks
married former L.A. Dodger pitcher Orel Hershiser, might she be
introduced as Mrs. Orel Sacks Hershiser?
12-How about actress Emma Thompson and Jim Emma? Emma Emma?
13-Classmates...Alice Kessler and Alan Tessler = Alice Kessler Tessler.
14-Susan Bender and singer Freddie Fender? Susan Bender Fender.
15-Classmates...Betty Berman and Sandy Ehrman? Betty Berman Ehrman.
16-Classmates... Barbara Winter and Ronnie Sommers? Barbara Winter
Sommers.
17-Hmm..Gail Witzer and a disgraced former NY governor? Gail Witzer
Spitzer.
18-Classmates...Bobby Weiner could have his choice of Susan Weiner or
Kathy Wiener, but however spelled, they'd still be Weiner (Wiener)
Weiners.
19-If Myra Chambers wed actor Lorenzo Music (perhaps best known for his
role as Carlton the doorman on the "Rhoda" TV show) she'd be Myra
Chambers Music.
20-Lastly, the wedding of Joy Mazur to actor Kelsey Grammer's TV
character would make her Joy Mazur Frasier.
